Understanding Intimate Partner Violence: Recognizing Harm, Trusting Yourself, and Building Safer Relationships

By Mx. Van Ethan Levy (they | elle) LMFT & LPCC

Van is a queer, non binary, trans, AFAB (Assigned Female at Birth), dually licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor. Van is passionate about holding space for all intersections of one’s identity(ies). Van also provides trainings on trans and non-binary identities, is author of the interactive book Exploring My Identity(ies) (2020), and the organizer of the upcoming Do Something: Identity(ies) conference, an international virtual gathering that centers and celebrates the most erased and underrepresented realities within the LGBTQPIA2S+ community. Both Van’s book and conference attendance is free for MCC students.

When hearing the term Intimate partner violence (IPV), many think of physical violence. While physical abuse is one form of IPV, it is only one piece of a much larger reality of IPV.

Intimate partner violence can include emotional abuse, verbal abuse, coercive control, financial abuse, sexual violence, identity-based abuse, digital abuse, intimidation, stalking, ignoring boundaries, not accepting no, guilting, isolation and so much more. These behaviors can happen in dating relationships, marriages, long-term partnerships, friendships, classmates, professor/student and relationships of all identity(ies), sexualities, ages, backgrounds and more.

Anyone can experience IPV. At the same time, our identities, life experiences, and access to resources can shape how abuse exists in our lives, how we respond to it, and what barriers we experience when seeking support.

Relationships Don't Exist in Isolation

Every one of us learns about relationships from somewhere.

We learn from our families, friends, schools, communities, media, culture, faith traditions, and lived experiences. These lessons shape what we come to expect from ourselves and others.

For many people, especially those who have experienced trauma, discrimination, or systemic oppression, unsafer relationship dynamics may have been normalized long before they entered a romantic relationship.

Maybe you grew up believing conflict always meant yelling.

Maybe affection was inconsistent.

Maybe your boundaries weren't respected. (Being forced to hug someone when you didn’t want to).

Maybe you learned that love meant sacrificing yourself. (If you love me, you would do this for me).

Maybe you were taught to stay quiet to keep the peace.

Maybe you had to focus on survival instead of feeling emotionally safer.

When these dynamics have always surrounded you, it is understandable that recognizing them can be difficult. We cannot always recognize what is harming us until we begin experiencing something that is safer for us.

Learning about safer relationships is not a sign that you have failed. It is part of growing, healing, and building healthier connections.

Marginalized Communities Face Additional Challenges

While IPV can affect anyone, people with marginalized identities often face unique barriers.

For example, someone may fear leaving a relationship because they could lose housing, healthcare, financial support, immigration assistance, community connections, or access to affirming care. Others may worry about not being believed because of racism, ableism, colorism, homophobia, transphobia, ageism, or many more forms of discrimination.

Some abusive partners intentionally use these realities as tools of control, majority of the time the person being harmed doesn’t know.

They may threaten to out someone's identity/sexuality.

They may discourage someone from accessing disability supports.

They may use racism, immigration status, financial dependence, or cultural expectations to maintain control.

These are not simply relationship problems. They are forms of abuse.

Recognizing these realities helps us understand why leaving is often much more complicated than people assume.

Abuse Is Not Always Obvious

One of the biggest misconceptions about IPV is that it is always easy to recognize.

Often, it develops gradually.

A partner may slowly begin criticizing you more often.

They may make decisions for you "because they know what's best."

They may become increasingly jealous of your friends or family.

They may expect immediate responses to every text or call.

They may pressure you to share passwords or your location.

They may dismiss your feelings by communicating you're "too sensitive" or "overreacting." 

Over time, these behaviors can make someone question their own judgment and confidence.

This is sometimes called gaslighting—a pattern of manipulation that causes someone to doubt their own memories, perceptions, or experiences.

Gaslighting Ourself

Many survivors eventually begin questioning themselves instead of questioning the behavior.

You might find yourself thinking:

"Maybe I'm making this into a bigger deal than it is."

"Maybe I'm just too emotional."

"They're under a lot of stress."

"If I communicated better, things would be different."

Compassion for another person's struggles is important.

Ignoring your own needs is not.

Someone's trauma may help explain why they behave a certain way.

It does not make harmful behavior acceptable.

Your feelings matter, too.

Trust Your Gut

Sometimes your body recognizes danger before your mind can explain it.

Perhaps you feel anxious every time your partner's name appears on your phone.

Maybe you constantly rehearse conversations before bringing up concerns.

Perhaps you feel relieved when they leave the room.

Maybe you no longer recognize yourself because you've spent so much energy trying to avoid conflict.

These experiences deserve your attention.

You do not need to wait until something becomes "bad enough" before taking your concerns seriously.

If something consistently feels unsafer, controlling, or emotionally exhausting, it is worth exploring why.

What Accountability Really Means

The word accountability is often confused with apologizing.

They are not the same.

Accountability means taking responsibility for the impact of your actions, even when your intentions were different.

Accountability looks like:

• Holding space for a person’s reality without becoming defensive. Engaging with someone to want to understand the person not to validate your own point or to misunderstand.

• Acknowledging the harm that occurred. (Not providing excuses, sharing the harm caused and nothing more).

• Respecting another person's boundaries. (Questions about boundaries are only appropriate when trying to understand how to respect them, not to challenge them or change them).

• Making meaningful behavioral changes over time.

• Accepting that trust may/will take time to rebuild.

• Understanding that forgiveness cannot be demanded.

Real accountability is measured through consistent actions, not convincing words.

Self-Awareness Is an Important Part of Safer Relationships

Safer relationships require all of us to reflect on our own behavior.

Most people have made mistakes in relationships.

Most people have communication habits they continue working on.

Asking yourself difficult questions is part of safer growth.

Can I hear feedback without becoming defensive?

Do I respect someone's "no"?

Do I try to control situations when I feel anxious?

Do I apologize and actually change my behavior?

Do I take responsibility for my actions without blaming others?

Self-awareness is not about shame.

It is about becoming someone who contributes to relationships built on respect, trust, and care.

What Safer Relationships Can Feel Like

Safer relationships are not perfect.

People disagree.

People misunderstand each other.

People make mistakes.

The difference is how those moments are handled.

Safer relationships include:

• Mutual respect.

• Honest communication.

• Emotional and physical safety.

• Consent.

• Accountability.

• Safer boundaries.

• Independence and shared decision-making.

• Support for each person's goals, identity, friendships, and wellbeing.

You should not have to shrink yourself to be loved.

You should not feel afraid to express your needs.

You should not feel responsible for managing another person's emotions.

If You're Concerned About a Relationship

If this article reminds you of your own relationship—or someone else's—you do not have to figure everything out on your own.

Consider connecting with someone you trust, such as a friend, family member, counselor, mentor, teacher, healthcare provider, or advocate.

Seeking support does not mean you have already decided to stay or leave a relationship.

It simply means you deserve space to think, ask questions, and be supported without judgment.

A Final Thought

Whether you are 6 or 106, learning about safer relationships is a lifelong process.

Many of us were never taught what respect, accountability, consent, or emotional safety truly is. Many of us inherited relationship patterns that prioritized survival over connection. That does not mean we are destined to repeat them.

Growth begins with curiosity.

It begins with holding space for ourselves instead of dismissing our instincts.

It begins with believing that we deserve relationships where we are respected—not because we have earned that respect, but because every person deserves to be treated with dignity.

Safer relationships are possible.

And no matter where you are in your journey, it is never too late to learn safer relationships with ourselves and others.

If you’d like more information and resources, please contact MiraCosta College Student Health Services at 760-795-6675, MCCSHS@MiraCosta.edu, via the contact form at www.miracosta.edu/healthservices or by stopping by OC 14114 or SAN 917.