Healing Without Shame: Rethinking Recovery for Queer and Trans Communities
by Lali Mendoza, mental health counseling intern
Lali Mendoza is a bilingual (Spanish/English) graduate student in SDSU's Community Based Block (CBB) Multicultural Community Counseling and Social Justice Education Program. They are 29 years old, queer, trans masculine, and a proud Mexican immigrant from Tijuana. He earned their BA from Harvard in Psychology with a minor in Latine Studies and has dedicated their career to supporting marginalized communities, especially trans and queer BIPOC individuals.Why I Turned to Weed in College
I started smoking
weed in college, right around the time I came out as queer and left home. It
felt like survival—like the only thing that made the loneliness bearable.
Academically, I was struggling, not because I wasn’t capable, but because I
felt so unsupported. My school wasn’t built for someone like me, a first-gen,
working-class, trans person of color navigating a system that wasn’t designed
with my success in mind. Weed became my escape, my coping mechanism for the
stress of being marginalized in a space that didn’t see me. I didn’t think of
it as a problem, just something that helped me get through. But over time, I
started questioning whether it was actually helping me or just keeping me
stuck.
Traditional Recovery Spaces Don’t Always Work for Us
Many people turn
to substances to cope, especially when they feel unseen or like they don’t
belong. But when I finally tried to stop, I found that many recovery
spaces—especially 12-step programs—relied on shame as a tool for change. They
told me to surrender, to give my power over to God, but as a queer and trans
person, that didn’t feel healing—it felt like erasure.
Sobriety is
already a difficult path, but for queer and trans individuals, it comes with
layers of complexity that many mainstream recovery spaces fail to address. Many
of us turn to substances like weed to cope—not just with personal struggles,
but with systemic oppression, gender dysphoria, and the pressures of navigating
a world that often refuses to see us fully. When we decide to get sober, we’re
often met with narratives that frame our substance use as a personal failing
rather than a response to deep and legitimate pain. This is where shame creeps
in, especially in traditional recovery spaces like 12-step programs.
The Problem with Shame-Based Recovery
Many 12-step
programs rely on the idea of surrendering to a higher power, acknowledging
powerlessness, and making amends. While this structure has helped countless
people, it can also be deeply harmful for those of us who have spent our lives
fighting to claim autonomy over our identities. Queer and trans people are
already told by society, by families, and sometimes by religious institutions
that we are wrong, sinful, or broken. Being asked to accept powerlessness or to
submit to a God that may have been used against us can reinforce feelings of
shame rather than healing them.
Shame does not
lead to sustainable sobriety—it often drives us deeper into the cycles we are
trying to escape. When recovery spaces tell us that we need to repent, confess,
or see ourselves as inherently flawed, they risk replicating the same harm that
led many of us to substances in the first place. Instead of shame, we need
self-compassion. Instead of rigid frameworks that demand we see ourselves as
powerless, we need approaches that honor our resilience and capacity for
change. Recovery should not strip us of our power; it should help us reclaim
it.
What Affirming Recovery Can Look Like
For queer and
trans people seeking sobriety, finding or creating spaces that affirm our
identities and acknowledge the structural forces at play in addiction is
essential. Harm reduction models, trauma-informed therapy, and peer-led queer
recovery groups offer alternatives that do not demand submission to a higher
power or shame as a motivator. Sobriety should be about learning to exist in
our bodies and our lives without needing to escape—not about replacing one form
of self-erasure with another.
If you are
struggling with substance use and feeling alienated by traditional recovery
models, know that your journey does not have to look like anyone else’s.
Healing does not require surrendering your autonomy or believing that you are
inherently broken. It requires finding practices, communities, and beliefs that
allow you to see yourself with kindness, dignity, and power. Sobriety, at its
best, is about coming home to yourself—not losing yourself all over again.
How Can
Counseling Help You?
If you’re feeling
overwhelmed, know that you don’t have to go through it alone. Counseling
services are here to support LGBTQ+ students in navigating the unique
challenges you may face, whether it’s related to identity, mental health,
substance use, or daily stress. You deserve a space where you feel seen, heard,
and affirmed. A counselor can help you:
●
Explore healthier ways to cope
with stress and difficult emotions.
●
Navigate feelings of anxiety,
depression, or burnout in a supportive environment.
●
Find alternatives to substances
for managing pain, dysphoria, or emotional distress.
●
Build a community of support that
honors your identity and well-being.
Counseling is a confidential,
nonjudgmental space where you can talk openly about your experiences and create
a plan that supports your mental health without relying on substances. You
deserve care that affirms who you are.
What
Steps Can You Take Today?
Taking the first step
toward support can feel daunting, but it’s also empowering. If you’re
struggling with substance use or the pressures of student life, reach out to
your campus mental health services or explore these resources:
● MiraCosta Counselors are available in the Student Health Services office: Oceanside Health Services at 760.795.6675 San Elijo Health Services at 760.757.2121 x7747
● MiraCosta College Recovery Support Group: Oceanside Health Services & on Zoom. Tuesdays 1-2 pm. Create the change you need and want in a safe space. Effective for all types of addictive behaviors.
- Free & Confidential.
- Holistic Non-12 Step Approach.
- Student Peer Support.
- Verification of Attendance (if needed).
- Snack & Beverage Provided.
- Contact tammah.watts@miracosta.edu for more information.
● Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)
● Google Doc with Marijuana Anonymous Groups by and for LGBTQ+ People
References
McGeough, B. L., Paceley, M. S., Zemore, S. E., Lunn, M. R., Obedin-Maliver, J., Lubensky, M. E., & Flentje, A. (2023). Understanding the social and community support experiences of sexual and gender minority individuals in 12-step programs. Journal of Gay & Lesbian Social Services, 35(4), 398–419. https://doi.org/10.1080/10538720.2023.2172759
Johnson, S., & Sue, K. L. (2024). Drawing on Black and queer communities’ harm reduction histories to improve overdose prevention strategies and policies. AMA Journal of Ethics, 26(7), E580-586. https://doi.org/10.1001/amajethics.2024.580
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