I’ve seen my partner behave differently, why can’t it happen again?

by Nidya Ramirez Ibarra, LMFT

Nidya Ramirez Ibarra is a bilingual (English/Spanish) Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who grew up in Escondido, CA. An immigrant and past community organizer, Nidya utilizes her knowledge and years of experience as a therapist to co-create a space to initiate change, gain insight, build skills, and establish support. Prior to joining the mental health team at MiraCosta College, among Nidya’s experiences was working for 8 years at a local non-profit with families, individuals, and children struggling with trauma due to intimate partner violence and sexual abuse. In addition to working with student in individual, relationship, and family counseling sessions, Nidya also facilitates MiraCosta’s UPRISE support group for undocumented/ mixed status students and their loved ones.

During almost a decade of working in therapy with individuals who had been victims of intimate partner violence I heard many inquire, with the hopes of a promising answer, whether it was possible for their partner to change. 

Questions like: I’ve seen my partner behave differently, why can’t they do that again? For so many individuals facing intimate partner violence, this question comes from the desire for their partner’s abusive behavior towards them, and sometimes their children, to permanently end. The possibility of change can feel elusive for many individuals living the cycle of violence when the phase after abuse usually consists of a brief period of time in which their partner makes promises, gets help, or modifies their behavior. Unfortunately, individuals will usually return to abusive treatment towards their partners after a few hours, days, weeks, or months and the cycle repeats itself.

It is thought that because abuse is a behavior learned from family experiences, societal conditioning, or a response to adverse events, there is a possibility for an individual who is abusive towards their partner to engage in change. 

However abuse towards an intimate partner is a persistent pattern to maintain power and control, and it requires a deep commitment, willingness, and initiative from the person causing abuse for change to occur. The change cannot be the short-lived adjustments or promises that occur in the cycle of violence, but rather a dedicated long-term undertaking that is conveyed through words and actions. Seeking help in the process of change through therapy, group counseling, faith related practices, classes or other self-reflective endeavors can be vital. According to Lundy Bancroft in The National Domestic Violence Hotline website, indicators of whether an individual is making progress towards change can include:

• Recognizing that their abusive behavior is a choice and there are consequences to their behavior
• Fully and honestly identifying the patterns and causes of their abusive treatment
• Actively working to make amends
• Responding differently to their partner’s anger and concerns, as well as their own
• Developing and demonstrating respectful, caring, and supportive behaviors
• Not using improvements in their behavior as a means to excuse any abuse

Ultimately, change takes a lot of effort and it is not the responsibility of someone experiencing abuse by their intimate partner to ensure it happens, as the NDVH shares : “No one deserves abuse, and it’s never too late to seek help. While we hope abusive partners will change, it’s not always realistic to expect that they can and will. Focus on changes you can control to improve your own life, because you deserve to feel loved, happy and safe.”

The local Domestic Violence Hotline can be a great place to start finding resources, whether you are seeking support as someone who is acting in abusive ways or someone experiencing abuse from an intimate partner. 

The hotline can provide a list of individual therapy providers, support groups, and 52 week programs for intimate partner violence intervention that are usually court mandated, but will sometimes accept voluntary participants.

We at Health Services team can support you and help connect you to resources. Contact us at 760-795-6675, mccshs@miracosta.edu, via our contact form at www.miracosta.edu/healthservices, or stop by room 3326 at the Oceanside campus or 917 at the San Elijo campus.