Providing Support for Loved Ones Experiencing Intimate Partner Violence

 

by Nidya Ramirez Ibarra, LMFT

Nidya Ramirez Ibarra is a bilingual (English/Spanish) Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who grew up in Escondido, CA. An immigrant and past community organizer, Nidya utilizes her knowledge and years of experience as a therapist to co-create a space to initiate change, gain insight, build skills, and establish support. Prior to joining the mental health team at MiraCosta College, among Nidya’s experiences was working for 8 years at a local non-profit with families, individuals, and children struggling with trauma due to intimate partner violence and sexual abuse. In addition to working with student in individual, relationship, and family counseling sessions, Nidya also facilitates MiraCosta’s UPRISE support group for undocumented/ mixed status students and their loved ones.

It can be difficult to find out that someone you care about is suffering from intimate partner violence and abuse. The dominant narrative in society says that to be helpful you must focus on immediately getting a victim out of the relationship. You may quickly realize though that approaching support from that perspective is not that simple.

Intimate partner violence is a pattern and cycle of power and control over a person using physical, sexual, emotional, psychological, financial abuse, isolation, with intimidation. Statistically one of the most dangerous times in a relationship for victims of intimate partner violence and abuse is during the process of separating and when they finally leave their partner. It is also well documented that most individuals will try to leave at least 7 times before they are permanently able to do so.

An individual experiencing abuse may face many challenges and overwhelming emotions, such as sadness, anger, guilt, confusion, fear, and shame. Even amid their struggles, an attitude of support recognizes your friend, family member, neighbor, or acquaintance as someone with agency who is an expert of their life. Sustaining this attitude of support is the foundation for the active support you can provide. 

An attitude of support:

For someone whose partner is abusive, connecting with others is a significant action that can be vital over time. This is because isolating an individual from any support system is a tactic used by partners to obtain power and control. Shame or embarrassment related to the abuse they are suffering may lead victims to withdraw from people around them.

Furthermore, individuals may limit their interactions with others to protect themselves from abuse and violence their partner could exert as a consequence of associating with people. Practicing an attitude of support to ensure that a connection is prioritized, entails that you:

• Acknowledge the patterns, cycles, and complexities of abuse and their effects
• Seek knowledge and awareness about intimate partner violence
• Validate, encourage, and reassure rather than criticize or judge a victim’s actions, feelings, or thoughts
• Focus on the experience of the person(s) you care about rather than disparaging their partner
• Continue to be supportive even if that person stays or returns to the relationship
• Initiate a conversation about what they think you can do to be supportive and be honest and realistic about what is possible for you

Active support:

With permission from your friend, family member, co-worker, etc. you can:

• Look into and learn about community resources then share that information with them
• Offer to store important documents, extra keys, or an emergency bag with necessary items
• Assist with documenting the abuse by taking photos, notes, or transcripts
• Provide accompaniment to appointments that involve obtaining services or following up with legal procedures
• Continue to call, text, or visit (if it is safe)
• Help them create a safety plan which considers their physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing

Finally, remember that you do not need to support the person you care about alone; national and local hotlines can be a great starting point for specific resources and help. Below you will find two:

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233
• San Diego Domestic Violence Hotline: 888-385-4657
• And you can make an appointment with a Health Services mental health counselor to explore and learn more. You can reach us at 760-795-6675 or via www.miracosta.edu/healthservices