When Conflict Starts to Feel Harmful: Subtle Signs of Emotional Abuse in Relationships
Nidya Ramirez Ibarra is a bilingual (English/Spanish) Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who grew up in Escondido, CA. An immigrant and past community organizer, Nidya utilizes her knowledge and years of experience as a therapist to co-create a space to initiate change, gain insight, build skills, and establish support. Prior to joining the mental health team at MiraCosta College, among Nidya’s experiences was working for 8 years at a local non-profit with families, individuals, and children struggling with trauma due to intimate partner violence and sexual abuse. In addition to working with students in individual, relationship, and family counseling sessions, Nidya also facilitates MiraCosta’s support activities for undocumented/ mixed status students and their loved ones.
The common idea about abusive relationships is a picture of something visible or loud, like screaming or physical violence. However, many unhealthy and abusive relationships do not start this way. Some of the earliest warning signs tend to show up first during conflict and are misidentified as “relationship problems,” “compatibility issues” or “bad communication.”
Disagreement, frustration, and misunderstanding is a normal part of relationships and healthy relationship dynamics include arguments sometimes. The issue is not the existence of conflict in a relationship, but rather a partner’s responses to conflict and the impact on one’s wellbeing and perception of self over time.
In a healthy relationship dynamic, both people can still feel respected, emotionally safe, and heard even when tension or hurt occurs. In unhealthy relationship dynamics, however, conflict may slowly begin to feel confusing, emotionally exhausting, or unsafe. There may be a gradual adaptation of conflict avoidance altogether and cautiousness about what is expressed. Sometimes the signs can be so subtle that it becomes difficult to identify what specifically feels wrong.
One early sign of an unhealthy dynamic is beginning to manage the other person’s reactions instead of freely expressing oneself. You may notice:
Carefully choosing words to avoid upsetting them
Avoiding certain topics entirely
Deciding it is “not worth bringing up.”
At first this can feel like keeping the peace and trying to improve communication, but overtime can transform into silencing oneself. A healthy relationship dynamic should not require constant self-monitoring and living with fears of emotional invalidation by a partner.
Another subtle sign can be when the conflict becomes one’s reaction to something hurtful and not the hurtful treatment itself. For example, when bringing up something that was hurtful the conversation becomes:
“You’re too sensitive”
“You always take things the wrong way”
"You’re overreacting"
Experiences like this can cultivate confusion, self-doubt, and struggles with trusting one’s emotions.
Conflict in a healthy relationship dynamic may feel uncomfortable, but it should eventually lead to greater understanding and clarity. In emotionally unhealthy relationship dynamics arguments may result in questioning one’s truth and feeling emotionally and mentally disoriented, with thoughts of:
“Maybe I remembered it wrong”
“Making I am making a big deal”
“What just happened?”
The confusion can happen when a partner denies, minimizes, or shifts of blame during disagreements.
At times emotional harm can lack words or physical presence and instead appear through silence, distance, or withdrawal. It can mean that after disagreements, a partner may:
Ignore messages
Become emotionally cold
Withdraw affection
Refuse to communicate until the other person apologizes or gives in
This can establish a cycle in which one person feels responsible for “fixing” the relationship after every conflict. Over time this partner may feel it’s better to avoid initiating conversations because the emotional consequences feel too heavy or diminish oneself to maintain stability:
Apologizing quickly just to end tension
Letting go of concerns that matter to you
Feeling guilty for having emotional needs
Convincing yourself you are “asking for too much”
It is important to remember that not every argument or communication issue is abuse and everyone can have moments of struggle during conflict. The difference is in observing whether there is a pattern in a partner’s behavior and the effect on one’s mental health.
If conflict in a relationship consistently leaves you feeling anxious, confused, emotionally drained, or afraid to speak honestly, it’s valid to pay attention to those feelings. Everyone deserves relationships that engage with accountability, repair, honesty, and emotional safety.
For mental health counseling and additional resources you can reach MiraCosta College Health Services at 760-795-6675 or the San Diego Domestic Violence Hotline at 888-385-4657.
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