Intimate Partner Violence in Queer Relationships

 
What It Looks Like, Why It’s Hard to Talk About, and How to Get Help

By Citlalli (Lali) Mendoza

Citlalli (Lali) Mendoza is a bilingual (Spanish/English) graduate student in SDSU's Community Based Block (CBB) Multicultural Community Counseling and Social Justice Education Program. Raised in San Diego on Kumeyaay land, Lali grew up as the oldest kid in a mixed-status family and understands the complexities of navigating both cultural and societal expectations. He earned their BA from Harvard in Psychology with a minor in Latine Studies and has dedicated their career to supporting marginalized communities, especially trans and queer BIPOC individuals. 

Intimate partner violence (IPV) is any pattern of behaviors a partner uses to gain power and control—physical, sexual, emotional, verbal, digital, or financial. It happens in all communities, including LGBTQIA+ relationships. National data show IPV is common across the U.S., and sexual and gender minority people can face equal or higher risk than their straight/cis peers.

What abuse can look like (beyond hitting)

  • Emotional/verbal: put-downs, humiliation, threats, jealousy framed as “love,” controlling who you see or what you wear.

  • Digital: reading your DMs, tracking your location, pressuring for passwords, doxxing.

  • Sexual: pressuring or forcing sexual activity, sabotaging birth control or barriers, refusing safer sex.

  • Financial/academic: taking your money, blocking access to transportation, interfering with classes or work.

  • Queer-specific tactics: threatening to “out” you to family, work, or school; misgendering or deadnaming as control; policing gender expression; using HIV status or PrEP/HRT access to coerce; saying “this can’t be abuse because we’re both the same gender.” These dynamics are well-documented barriers many LGBTQIA+ survivors face when seeking help. 

Why it can be especially hard to reach out

Many queer and trans students worry they won’t be believed, won’t find affirming services, or will face bias from responders. Research reviews also note historical discrimination that increases risk and blocks help-seeking. That’s real—and it’s not your fault. There are confidential, queer-affirming options on and off campus.

Green flags vs. red flags

  • Green flags: a partner uses your correct name/pronouns; respects boundaries; supports your friendships; asks for enthusiastic consent; talks through conflict without threats.

  • Red flags: checking your phone; isolating you from your community; using slurs or stereotypes during fights; threatening to out you; “If you loved me, you’d…” pressure; humiliating you about your identity or body; monitoring your class attendance or grades; harming your pet.

Quick safety check

If any of these apply, consider talking to someone you trust or a counselor:

  • You’ve started hiding messages or changing routes to avoid blow-ups.

  • You feel anxious before texts/calls from your partner.

  • Fights escalate when you set a boundary.

  • You’ve been pressured into sex, or safer-sex methods were sabotaged.

  • You’ve been threatened with outing or misgendering.

If you want to stay safer right now

  • Document privately: write dates/times of incidents in a notes app or email a personal account.

  • Digital hygiene: use a PIN or password your partner doesn’t know; turn off location sharing; consider “Safety Check” on iOS/Android; clear browser history if needed.

  • Code word: create a phrase with a friend/roommate that means “call me” or “come get me.”

  • Pack small: photo of your ID/insurance, meds (including HRT/PrEP), cash card, spare charger.

  • Plan a “boring exit”: you’re “meeting for a study group,” taking a “library shift,” etc.
     For 24/7 confidential help—phone, chat, or text—contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233) or thehotline.org (quick-exit button on site). 

MiraCosta students: free, confidential counseling (no insurance)

If you’re currently enrolled and physically in California, you can get free, confidential 50-minute mental health counseling sessions, once per week, for up to six consecutive weeks through Student Health Services. You can request individual, relationship, or family counseling, and one-time crisis sessions are available. Call Health Services: 760-795-6675 or fill out the contact form on the Health Services site to book. 

How counseling can help (even if you’re unsure what to say)

  • Sort out whether behaviors are unhealthy or abusive

  • Build a safety plan tailored to you (including digital safety and housing)

  • Practice boundary-setting language and de-escalation

  • Get referrals for legal help, housing, medical care, HRT/PrEP continuity, and community groups

For queer and trans students: you deserve affirming care

  • Local LGBTQ+ support: North County LGBTQ Resource Center (Oceanside) offers groups, counseling referrals, and community support. 

  • Local TGI+ support: Transgender Health and Wellness Center offers basic needs resources, gender-affirming legal and medical support, mental health support, advocacy, housing assistance, and more.

  • National affirming resources: The Trevor Project provides crisis support for LGBTQ young people via chat, text, and phone; its large national surveys also highlight how affirming spaces reduce suicide risk.

For friends and classmates: how to support someone

  • Believe them and thank them for trusting you.

  • Avoid blame (“Why don’t you just leave?”). Leaving can increase danger; focus on safety.

  • Offer choices: “Would you like to talk to a counselor together?” “Want me to save copies of screenshots for you?”

  • Check in later—not just once.
     The Hotline has practical guides on safety planning, shelter, and supporting survivors if you want more step-by-step ideas. 

Bottom line

Abuse is about control, not love. Queer and trans students deserve relationships—and a campus—where identities are respected and safety is non-negotiable. If something feels off, you’re allowed to get help, even if you aren’t sure it “counts” as abuse. Data show IPV is widespread, and LGBTQIA+ survivors face unique barriers; reaching out is a strong, smart next step. 

Call to action (MiraCosta)

References

American Psychiatric Association, Division of Diversity and Health Equity. (2019). Treating LGBTQ patients who have experienced intimate partner violence: A guide for clinicians. https://www.psychiatry.org/File%20Library/Psychiatrists/Cultural-Competency/IPV-Guide/APA-Guide-to-IPV-Among-LGTBQ-Communities.pdf psychiatry.org

Bermea, A. M., Slakoff, D. C., & Goldberg, A. E. (2021). Intimate partner violence in the LGBTQ1 community: Experiences, outcomes, and implications for primary care. Prim Care: Clinics in Office Practice. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.pop.2021.02.006 wordpress.clarku.edu

Brown, T. N., & Herman, J. L. (2015, November). Intimate partner violence and sexual abuse among LGBT people: A review of existing research. Williams Institute, UCLA School of Law. https://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/publications/ipv-sex-abuse-lgbt-people/ Williams Institute

Gram, L., Blevins, J., Miedema, S., Hoang, A. T., & Yount, K. M. (2024). Intimate partner violence in lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, and intersex (LGBTQI+) relationships: A call for research-to-action partnerships in higher education settings. BMC Global & Public Health, 2, Article 53. https://doi.org/10.1186/s44263-024-00085-y BioMed Central

Human Rights Campaign Foundation. (2023). Understanding intimate partner violence in the LGBTQ+ community. https://www.hrc.org/resources/understanding-intimate-partner-violence-in-the-lgbtq-community hrc.org

Pompeu Silveira, A., & Araújo de Morais, N. (2025). Factors associated with intimate partner violence among LGBTQ+ individuals: A scoping review. Trends in Psychology. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1007/s43076-024-00431-x SpringerLink

The National Indigenous Women’s Resource Center. (n.d.). Domestic violence and the LGBTQ community: Understanding prevalence and unique issues. https://www.niwrc.org/sites/default/files/files/reports/domestic_violence_and_the_lgbtq_community.pdf niwrc.org

VictimConnect by VAWnet. (n.d.). The problem: Domestic violence in LGBTQ communities & barriers to safety. https://vawnet.org/sc/rates-and-prevalence-dv-lgbtq-communities VAWnet

Wisniewska, M. J. (2024, December 14). LGBTQ+ sexual violence statistics 2024. Break the Cycle. https://www.breakthecycle.org/blog/same-violence-different-challenges-relationships-and-dating-abuse-lgbtq-community Break The Cycle

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